Seeking completion.

My sister is really cool.  I love her.  We talk on the phone often.  About boys and shopping.  Well, just boys.  We both hate shopping.

During one of our recent conversations, Laura rudely interrupted my detailed account of all the important things I did that day.  She informed me that I used a certain word several times during the course of our chat.  She wasn't correcting me for redundancy, but rather to make me aware of my word choice.  "Fuck you, sis," was my initial playful reaction, but upon reflection I might even thank her.  Here's where I make some obvious sentiment about the power of language.  But now is where I mention that it's really difficult to be aware of every word that you spew from your larynx.  We've all had moments where we are mindful and aware of our actions and language, but she reminded me how important it is to be mindful of being mindful.  Meta mindful.  I feel like that is something that has escaped me lately, and upon this tiny wake-up slap I am noticing other considerably negative emotions manifesting in my life.

I've never considered myself a high strung person, but lately I feel like my emotions have bested me.  I've become a hypocrite.  I have allowed myself to stray from my ideals in a number of ways and it just won't do.  Drugs and eating chocolate just aren't doing the trick of numbing this, so now I'm turning to drastic measures: rationalizing my unconscious feelings.  It is a disheartening thing to realize that my endeavors to conquer my body and mind have fallen aside.  Just what exactly have I been doing with my life for the past few weeks that could cause this?

Well I suppose I should start by saying I haven't done anything wrong, and I don't regret that I could've been putting my time to better use.  Maximum efficiency of time is not a realistic goal.  It's fair to be comfortable with the amount of effort I put into any given thing -- it simply is what it is.  I always say I wish I could read more, but I must acknowledge that I am still reading and enjoying what I do.  Due to the rapid nature of classes, I may not be able to fully internalize the various ideas that resonate with me, but it is crucial to latch on to a few key things to reflect on.  I know what I'm capable of, and while I do believe I will be able to take on more in the future, I must be content with my current levels of knowledge absorption and expression.  In balance with academia is always my free time, which doesn't feel so free lately.  Even my social time feels strained and rushed on occasion, but this has taught me to get more out of it while I have it.  While I know that everything I do is necessary to my sanity, I love the idea that this is constantly in flux.  Everything can be tweaked and adjusted, and eventually the ways I spend my time will become more beneficial.  Yet it's all arbitrary; I can't quantify effort put in to something and the resulting output.  I just have to continue living through my actions and learn where the balance lies.

That being said, I am learning to reflect on some of the negative aspects of my life not to voice regret, but to confirm them as invaluable lessons.  Initially it always seems that thinking on a certain subject will elicit those negative emotions -- but as I reflect on it thoroughly, my emotions become detached.  And I can breathe again.

So the word my sister called me out on was "obligation."  I was likely using it as I was discussing my social life, but it was interesting to note that there is a small degree of anxiety in my speech.  Of course I didn't feel it at the time, but there have been instances where I feel obligated to do something for another at my expense.  This has pigeon-holed me into some tricky situations and misunderstandings, and consequently all of my self-confidence can be diminished in some cases.  I try not to get caught up in irrational, dramatic moments, but I've noticed that I'm not transcending that aspect of my life.  I've allowed other people's concerns to become my own, and not in a good way.  It's one thing to show concern for a friend, but I'm seeing that I haven't done anything constructive with those negative feelings.  I felt swallowed by it and helpless, yet the best way to deal with it is to lead by a positive example.  As a result, I am now able to laugh at some of my more trivial moments.  We're fucking stupid, sometimes.  But damn, I am resting easier now that I'm letting go of it.  This will allow me to parse what I believe is a genuine concern for the well-being of myself and others, and also to distance myself from things that are none of my business.

So where was I?  Ah yes, I was using some really non-specific example that only make sense to me in order to illustrate that mindfulness is useful blah blah.  I mean, I started this blog as a way to solidify my thoughts;  I take it to heart, somewhat.  The musings may be fragmented and tangential to any key idea but ultimately I see it as a reflection of my mind.  It really is all over the place.  We can't control our thoughts or what infiltrates our mind and affects us.  Nothing will ever be ideal, but ideals are useful to establish some moral compass, some purpose.  So while I will inevitably have shortcomings and other disappointing elements in my life, I do what I can to see them as what they are and not a tangle of emotional distress.

So now the question is, can I read all of this again and believe every word of it?  Not likely; I am fickle.  But this step is necessary.