Patterns - Fortuitous and Frustrated

Let me start by just saying that I've been blessed by the cosmos.

The stars have aligned and for the first time in a long time, I felt centered.  Having said that, I should also concede that such a momentous occasion does not last forever, thus the subsequent frustration of losing such a profound state of awareness.

In terms of what's been happening to me, I've had a ridiculously busy weekend of socializing and shirking my academic responsibilities.  It was very intense, and the products of much deep thinking and observing were well worth missing some trivial class assignments.  However, I was stricken by a flood of banality when all of that intensity left my world and I've had trouble regaining the brainpower I need to process the events and file them away in their respective compartments of my brain.

I suppose I should start at the beginning, but once again I am faced with the problem of actually punctuating all of my experiences into concrete thoughts.  Thus, the blog.  I am channeling the power of the blog in every way shape and form to get me through this next post.  I will hopefully look back on this post and laugh tremendously, remembering how awkwardly I fumbled through realizations and epiphanies that will eventually become ordinary.

However, I can't achieve the next phase of enlightenment until I actually do this act.  Until I write it down.

So this post is about acknowledging my patterns: things I've detected over the years that are becoming a recurring theme in my little life.  I touched on some of this in a previous entry, but it was small in comparison to what I intend to express now.

Let's go back to that previous entry in which I was having trouble dealing with a crush on a new friend.  We'll call this Pattern Kitten - because it rhymes with smitten.

It almost seems hilarious at this point.  Y'know, when your feelings take complete control of you and all objective thought and reason is lost in the moment?  Well I can't help but point and laugh at my old self whenever it happens -- I would meet a cute girl and she just happens to have an awesome personality.  The more you hang out with one another, the more you trick yourself into thinking how much better it could be with that slice of sex on the side, though that usually hasn't been reciprocated for me.  I notice it happening more and more and how it happened way before, years ago even while I was in a monogamous relationship.

Some people get a bit disappointed when their feelings aren't reciprocated, and they put those experiences aside and move on to the next relationship.  However, think about how much you're missing by casting aside another human being merely because physical attraction was not mutual.  From observing this in many individuals, I endeavor to pursue relationships in men and women solely because I genuinely care about people.  Sexual reward would be nice, but if that were my main motivation I would be severely disappointed all the time.

I wasn't as in touch with myself then, but now I can honestly say I'm thankful for the practice I've had.  Now I'm able to understand that I'm not exactly the conventionally romantic guy I previously made myself out to be.  I acknowledge that being analytical in this degree takes some of the excitement out of sprouting relationships, but it's just who I am at this point of time.  I find much more reward and satisfaction when I openly express my feelings, and this really allows me to take hold of my biology.  I've learned that I can process those feelings faster and more effectively when I discuss them with someone, and there's no reason that it can't be with the same person I am feeling a physical attraction to.  This has helped me leaps and bounds.  I've been able to remove uncertainty and lay out my intentions clearly, and I get clear feedback.  It's a bit awkward at first, but I'll be damned if it's not completely liberating and you'll be surprised how much closer you get to that person.  And if they don't appreciate me being so forthcoming, they likely won't ever understand me so it's better to get that out of the way in the beginning.

So this is me, latching on to that feeling of just knowing that I've been transparent with someone.  The more I do this, the better I'll get at it.  I have to thank Allison and Nicole for their incredible insight and allowing me to come to these realizations so quickly.

This experience has really taught me about redirecting what could be negative into something meaningful and positive, and then emanating that energy outward.  In a lot of those instances, I could have easily acted with jealousy and anger, ultimately distancing myself from the very people I felt an attraction to.  But now I'm noticing that in making my failed attempts at romance into a learning experience, I've actually been able to settle those feelings and understand them.  I've been able to access people's emotions while at the same time being accessible.  This mutual self-disclosure seems obvious in theory, but it has taken me many years of unconscious practice to improve on it.  Now that I'm becoming aware of the subtleties, it becomes clear that I can master some of these aspects of social interaction.  I can create closer relationships in a shorter amount of time.  The quality of all of my friendships, old and new, has skyrocketed and I have every intention of understanding why that is so I can keep doing so effectively.

Among other things, I strongly dislike the fact that we carry the cognizance to only control a handful of our human compulsions.  If I were to redirect that positively, I would say we should all endeavor to attain new levels of control over the way we conduct ourselves.

Perhaps I'm denying my human nature by even attempting to resist things like jealousy and greed.  Yes, we all want things and some people are willing to stoop to low levels in order to get what they want, but what's so farfetched about an ideal world in which we want things that are in virtually infinite supply?  There are so many fulfilling "things" gifted to us from this amazing brain of ours, yet we're hung up on that which provides immediate pleasure at a cost to our fellow humans.

The egalitarian outlook is flawed only because it is not widely believed and practiced.  Many believe that we need to compete aggressively in order to make it to the top.  Top of what?  We've bought into a social hierarchy even though we're all taught it's bad to treat each other differently.  Is this a case of empty words falling on deaf ears?  Human nature is what it is, but what happened to our collective desire to exceed those limits and achieve greatness?  People are absolutely working toward this, but it is difficult while lost in a sea of ill intentions.

Yes, this just spiraled into a rhetorical digression.  What can I say?  I love to write.

I need to establish that it is human nature to want something.  That sounds like an obvious statement, because it is.  We've all experienced a life in which we gain satisfaction from the concrete and the immaterial -- whether it be a cold ice cream cone on a hot day, or a deep conversation with your friend about the loss of a family member.  It doesn't really matter what is is, but we should really be acknowledging how important shared experience is to us as social creatures.

It is important to create closeness and intimacy with all sorts of people, and that deep understanding is the backbone of a fulfilling life.  How is it that I can be 24 years of age and say this with such conviction?  I do create the meaning of my own existence, and this just happens to be a core belief that will not be fleeting.  Conventional labels of relationships become totally irrelevant; they don't even scratch the surface on the level of what my friendships really mean to me.  I don't have a best friend.  If I've called someone my best friend, it is merely the best way to describe something so ineffable that words can't capture it.  I am hopeful that some day, through exploration and writing, and I can put words to how tremendously these people affect me.

Emotional outpours aside, the statement of creating subjective meaning for one's self has its inherent flaws.  I can't really say that my position supersedes someone's view of collecting vast riches to support a hooker addiction.  If that's what makes them happy -- more power to them.  However, I do wish to acknowledge what we've been gravitating away from over the course of human history.  We stand against racism, murder, rape, and virtually anything that strips a human being of their life and/or dignity.  We're capable of reading each other and finding out each other's wants and desires, but why do we want the "wrong" things?  We acknowledge that one night stands typically aren't fulfilling, and we might even reason that solely physical interactions with the world are fleeting.  And if this leads people to regret so many wasted years, why not make that leap and jump as far as possible into our next stage of evolution?  If we can redirect our efforts, we can get what we want in a better way -- a new system that still fulfills our desires without the negative side effects.

And this is where things get abstract and hokey.  It all sounds excessively ideal and unrealistic at this point.  I really do believe that clear, accessible ideas are the key to drawing people into my world, but I haven't even completely figured out all of the details yet.  And that's what I've been working on.

It seems a bit half-assed on my part to lay down this exhausting post without any clear-cut goal at the end, but that's the fun part of exploratory writing.  These little baby steps will lay the foundation of a better version of views.  It will continue to telescope into itself, magnifying and expanding and focusing.

If I were to establish one firm point, it would be that we need to give ourselves more credit for where we are today.  It doesn't take a lot of effort on someone's part to draw us into bleak perspectives on the world, and I really want us all to take this moment to praise ourselves for all those unthinkable moments in which we surprise ourselves and others with our goodness.  I strongly encourage everyone I meet to recognize their strengths and truly put them to the test while they tackle this colossal mess of humanity.

It will take an immeasurable amount of work.  If you really commit to this creed of seeking enlightenment, you can't switch on the autopilot ever again.  It will be very taxing mentally, but we only have so many years to make sense of this world for ourselves.  And the more effort we put into that goal, the faster we reach and break the next limit.