Freezing to life.

So I can't remember the last time my teeth have "chattered" this much.  I didn't realize that getting a haircut in January would force me to scrunch up like a prune in order to stay warm.  At this rate, my teeth are likely to explode from the endless shivering.

Tonight was simple.  Dan and I drank beer and watched The IT Crowd.  His mom made oatmeal cookies for us, as well.  Triple win, you say?  Indeed.  It was also our intention to turn off the lights and play a scary video game, but that did not happen.

During intermission, we ended up outside as Dan is inclined to smoke an evening cigarillo.  Freezing my balls off, bladder beyond capacity, we directed conversation to our philosophies on friendship and life.  And urination. And I spilled Guinness all over my car.

Gazing up at the translucent cloud layer, we took this minuscule iota of moment to examine just exactly where we stood in life up against our own arbitrary ranking of development and enlightenment.  And crap.  We noted how, throughout our short lives, we have seen friends come and go.  We noted the mundane transitions between our past and current selves, and projected what would become of our future identities.  We've seen friends change and we've seen ourselves change, as well.  There is no real rhyme or reason to our actions, but we agree that we simply allow nature to take its course.  We go with the flow, so to speak.  Sometimes it is beyond our control to alter a given situation.  If we try too hard, artifice is almost guaranteed.  The order of things becomes unnatural and deliberate -- forced.  By taking control, we lose the genuine connections of a bond so simple and elegant.

A friendship is like a beautifully written novel.  We delve into an unfamiliar text with a fresh mindset, all but prepared for the twists and turns we may face.  We allow it to take control of us, presenting new ideas and overwriting any silly predispositions and supposed expertise.  New or old, there is an interaction between the text and the reader that is unique and ineffable.  We take this for granted on a daily basis and I want to stop to acknowledge it.

Life moves at exactly one million ho-jillion miles per hour.  Don't argue with me -- it's science.  My deepest pleasure, however, comes from this manipulation of time.  We are capable of ignoring our mortality for the moment, any moment.  It doesn't matter that it sets back in eventually; we will all face that when the time comes.  The important thing, for now, is to embrace each other.  We are a confused mess of intention and shortcomings, wading through a dilapidated world of illusion.  Our values, morals, beliefs -- They are inconsequential in the end.  I choose to live my life as a hedonist of sorts, deriving pleasure from all the unique interactions I have the good fortune to come upon.  None of this will ever happen again.  Ever.  So take in every aspect of joy and agony while it exists.  This perfectly imperfect state of existence only happens once.

Some might say it's bleak, admitting all that is discernible is not real in the end.  The physical reality around us is questionable.  The objects of sense that we perceive can be cast any which way, disillusioning us to objective and absolute truth.

Well fuck -- if we will never know anything for a fact, we must dare to make our own personal truths.  A good friend once remarked how silly it is for people to denounce religion and praise spirituality.  These terms are virtually synonymous, the only difference (in my personal opinion) being that religion is an external influence and spirituality comes from within.  I do not denounce massive, popular religion for those individuals but I simply accept another religion, one not documented in ancient tomes.  You could argue that my own spiritual position is a direct result of lessons passed down from my parents and teachers, but ultimately it is up to me as an individual to craft and guide this belief.  It is my own, subject to my every criticism and alteration.  It does not need to be static, written down at one time for all time.  It will vary from this point on as it has before, never to fall dormant and irrelevant as my body ages and my mind grows.  My belief is alive.

And sadly, or happily, it will die with me.  It was my guide and my beacon for a good life, but it will be dead and gone someday like this indifferent planet.  My body will decompose and my existence will be forgotten; I only hope that I do not impart any falsehoods to those in my wake.  It will come -- this beautiful death.  And I will gladly slow down the clock that races to the end.

Once again, don't take this seriously.  I was inspired by a friend to write something in the realm between prose and poetry.  This was merely an exercise to express and reveal something about myself... to myself.  It was fun.  I suggest you try it.